so many ppl on tiktok will be like ‘look at my epic style glow up omg my style used to be so cringe’ and it just shows them wearing clothes that were in fashion in 2015 and then clothes that are in fashion now like baby that’s what happens when u don’t have ur own sense of style

got called “omg vintage” by a secretary in training at the dentist’s office on sunday because i wore a shirt that was in style five years ago like. ma’am i bought that in 2016

this is WILD you can’t just leave this in the tags lmaoo

(cw: adult story below)

okay so basically the story went that he has. a fetish for guys with tats and piercings and this culminated in him getting real teeth KNOCKED OUT during a glory hole incident in 98 or 99 he can’t remember but basically the guy thrust in as he was catching his breath. and. teeth got knocked out. he was THAT HARD. 

so he gets dental implants and continues on his way, assured that he’ll never have to lose any more teeth. he used to bartend blah blah and was always complimented on his teeth but he eventually got them SNAPPED OUT during an altercation with a drunk guy and he got different ones put in and was like “oh, so this is a recurring theme in my life” and decided that he was going to swear off bartending.

so he moved out this way and started his “dick-sucking career” anew, hopeful, wide-eyed. and managed to get a piercing snagged on his fucking tonsil and they have to GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM TOGETHER BECAUSE THE GUY IS STUCK IN HIS FUCKING THROAT AND HE CAN ONLY BREATHE IF HE BREATHES AROUND THE DICK. it was at this moment i remembered that one fucking movie where a guy gets his prince albert piercing stuck in a lady as a killer is busting into the room and dies because he won’t cut it off and run or something

also as this is happening i’m waiting on x-ray results so i’m just. there lmao

and he was talking about how the guy NUTTED. IN THE AMBULANCE. BECAUSE OF THE VIBRATION OF THE ROAD. IN HIS THROAT. AND THEY HAD TO SUCTION IT OUT. WHAT THE FUCK. but it turns out that there was a bad cut to his gums as well because it was a spiked fucking piercing so he just. had to get a couple teeth replaced. again.

and they dated. for 2 more years. until he moved to serbia or something i forget that part i was laughing to hard. it might have been spain. idk anyways

the bf got stopped by airport security because this was a few years after 9/11 and he had to take half his piercings which were not “safe metals” for metal detectors (“because DIY punks are hotter” was his reason??) and he was like “do i take the dick one out too” (no, but he did get taken to be privately searched.) and it ended up, that his boyfriend (the guy in the dental office) laughed so hard, after hearing this story repeated, that he slipped and smacked face first into the edge of a table. and LOST HIS TEETH AGAIN, and ended up walking around “like a fucking christmas carol about wanting two front teeth” until his bf sent him money to get them fixed and then broke up with him “for some hot young thing”

so he gets new ones! and they lasted! they really did! for years!

and then, #4, was on sunday. he was so “inspired” after he was allowed to go on dates again. because quarantine and no-socialising rules and shit have hit hard here multiple times. that he “went too hard” at a small gay bdsm gathering. and he managed to both bend his teeth inwards and fuck his molars up FROM DICK SUCKING. and he was like “i was tied up there, thinking about how many times this has happened. and how some evil gay witch put a curse on me for being too good at sucking dick.” 

and he went on about how the kink club in question is technically helping to pay for this because they felt SO BAD and the guy who did this laughed his ass off and was like. i don’t have any money but once you get your teeth fixed - and the guy was like NO. I AM NOT SUCKING YOU OFF EVER AGAIN LOOK WHAT YOU DID

also this was told by the most middle-aged, boring looking man on earth. like picture an accountant, but gay and VERY clumsy and funny

What was this post about again??

Fashion I believe.

Okay so Victorian erotica is literally the most heinous, morally bankrupt, horrific shit I've ever read - but I've read a fair bit, partly from historical interest but also because a while back I helped a friend with a university project she was doing about censorship and pornography in 19th century England.

Anyway I need to share with you all the most hilarious line that has ever been written, circa 1887:

Listen.....not everything needs to be connected to the internet

I know this ain't supposed to funny..... but it is 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

mutuals take this test and tell me what you got

I got a 58. Smh “had your butt cheeks fondled”

I was watching Pom Poko and

Look at this beautiful animation

Smooth, realistic, beautiful background

and then not even two seconds later

Testicles

Why Miyazaki, why

Firstly, you should try asking Isao Takahata. He’s the one that made Pom Poko, not Hayao Miyazaki. Studio Ghibli ≠ Hayao Miyazaki.

And, I know it’s a crazy concept, but not every culture on earth thinks it’s outrageous or inappropriate to animate animals anatomically correct.

But most importantly, in Japanese folklore the scrotum (not the testicles) is an imperative feature of the Tanuki. During the Kamakura era (1185–1333), goldsmiths would use the pelts of the Tanuki (due to its strength and elasticity) to wrap balls of gold, before hammering/stretching them into gold leaf. Because the Japanese terms for a small ball of gold (“kin no tama”) and testicles (“kintama”) are so phonetically similar, the image of a Tanuki with a large scrotum is now associated with good fortune and stretching one’s wealth. You can now find ceramic statues of Tanuki throughout Japan, usually outside shops and restaurants to invite prosperity and success.

There is also a popular playground song that children sing: “Tan-tan-tanuki no kintama wa, kaze mo nai no ni, bu-ra bura!“ Roughly translated, this means “The Tan-Tan-Tanuki’s balls! There isn’t any wind blowing, but they still go swing, swing, swing!”

A ceramic Tanuki charm (bake-danuki) outside a shop:

A woodblock print from the 1830s:

hey colourpop cosmetics you make great affordable products and i love you but we gotta talk about something. just a quick little thing. just sit down it wont take that long dont worry i just want to have a little chat about well uh

baron of sandwich: lets try putting food in between two slices o bread
duke of derby: Lets try making horses race for money
earl of handjobston: i also have an idea