a world where people acknowledge that 99% of drug/alcohol addiction is caused by untreated mental illness and/or shitty life situations rather than peer pressure and a spooky drug dealer 

I just saw a guy using a flip phone. Its 2015

you just saw a drug dealer

my sister uses a flip phone instead of a smart phone so she pays more attention to the people around her instead of staring at a screen all day. people dont realize how much they actually use their smartphones instead of listening and talking to the people around you.

I hate to break it you, but your sister is a fucking drug dealer
Wake up and smell the marijuana

Sakata Gintoki- who wins: Gintoki
let’s face it- the dude’s got mad skills from the war, killer reflexes, and that silver soul. if you try fighting him he’ll go on a tangent about life and in the end you’ll be in tears. besides, why would you want to fight Gintoki? what’s wrong with you? don’t fight Gintoki.

Shimura Shinpachi- who wins: no one
Shinpachi’s hella strong, you gotta admit. The guy runs a dojo and is a certified teacher. but take into his straight man/otaku side, you could probably distract him with otsuu merch and dick jokes. in the end, you both lay defeated. why would you fight precious Shinpachi in the first place.

Kagura- who wins: Kagura
the kid’s a yato. not to mention the daughter of one of the strongest people in the universe. she’ll easily kick your ass. and why would you want to fight my sweet alien daughter. don’t fight Kagura.

Kondou- who wins: no one
Kondou’s a tough guy, but with all the beating he gets from Otae he’s probably used to it and maybe he’s a masochist but who really knows. you duke it out but in the end he takes damage well and you’re tired from his gorilla jokes.

Hijikata- who wins: ???
OK, so you wanna fight the mayora. all you gotta do is bring mayonnaise sacrifices and it’s an automatic victory. in the case he doesn’t fall for it you can always bribe him with cigarettes or try to bring up his otaku side. it’s not much, but you’ve got a chance. fight Hijikata.

Sougo- who wins: you
“the strongest in the shinsengumi” haha you’re joking. it’s a stretch but he’s focused on killing Hijikata that you might have a chance to stab him in the ass when he’s not looking. he’s a sadist my ass. do it. fight Sougo.

Otae- who wins: Otae
Having been raised in a dojo and dealing with a gorilla stalker she’s got her stuff. don’t let that sweet face fool you, she’ll smash her fist into your face in a second. don’t do it. don’t fight Otae.

Katsura- who wins: Katsura
also being a joui war veteran, he’s just as good as Gintoki and he’ll shove a bomb down your throat if you’re not careful. besides, why would you want to fight sweet precious zura. I’ll fight you before you can fight him. bring it.

Kyuubei- who wins: Kyuubei
She’s the successor of the Yagyuu for chrissake if you’ve done any research about Japanese history the Yagyuu are famous and strong as hell only someone like Kyuubei can lead such a family. don’t fight Kyuubei.

Sacchan- who wins: no one
She’s a total M if you can take that to your advantage totes fight Sacchan. but in the end she’ll be moaning with pleasure and you’ll be embarrassed. nobody wins. why would you fight Sacchan. don’t do it.

Tsukuyo- who wins: Tsukuyo
c’mon man she’s the COURTESAN OF DEATH leader of the hyakka and jiraiya’s student she’s as good as anyone she’ll kick your ass. don’t fight Tsukuyo.

Madao- who wins: you
even though he was a high-ranking official earlier he’s a total loser now take that to your advantage. sprinkle loose change and alcohol on the ground. you can do it. fight madao.

Takasugi- who wins: you
catch him at a time when he’s high from the weed. do it. fight Takasugi.

Kamui- who wins: Kamui
the guy’s Kagura’s older brother and son of one the strongest guys in the universe and he’s already bloodthirsty as it is don’t fight Kamui

nypd just chased a kid off a 6 story drop which killed him. he was smoking a joint.

hakeem kuta.

http://theerant.yuku.com/topic/75077/Perp-Discovers-Gravity#.VSBYxBz3-ix

cops joke about it on their forums.

weed is decriminalized in nyc.

i’ve just learned that apparently r/trees is the dedicated subreddit for talking about smoking pot and r/marijuanaenthusiasts is the subreddit, formed and named in reaction to the former, for actually posting pictures of trees

Can you imagine being a boring enough person to ask “how high were these people when they made this” whenever you see any remotely weird art?

Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it was a fucking experience. Before the surgery wasn’t too interesting but as soon as I woke up I saw the nurse next to me and was all like “hey… i think… i died… and now I’m in a parallel universe… and i gotta go back to my house and kill the me from this universe” and he was just kinda like “alright, you do that”. And then the other nurse kept going in and out of the room to get things and I thought there was like 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and then so when she was wheeling me out in a wheelchair I was like “damn… why are there so many of you… there’s like 5 many of you” and she was just kinda like “alright, you do that”.

Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there and he was like “how ya feeling son” in the dadliest way possible and I was like “MAN I AM PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I’M STARVED” so we drove about 3 blocks to a jamba juice, whereupon I say “I’m good I can do this” and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door. I burst in the door like a viking returning from some fucking battle and holler “WHATS UP FUCKS” to everyone in the store, which was thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter, who looked probably as scared/confused as a jamba juice employee could look.

So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I looked up at the jamba juice menu and was utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was looking at this menu board for a year, deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits. I distinctly remember that I was looking at each item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted, then moving on to the next thing and thinking of how that tasted, and how they would taste together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and says “hey are you going to order or what”. Keep in mind I’m on the first fucking smoothie on the list here. So I just say “shush man I’m trying to do fruit science”, and then when I realized that this process could take literal years, I just said “yeah give me a smooth regular” which for the uninitiated, isn’t actually a real thing on any menu. Oh, also I asked them if the “boosted” smoothies would give me super powers and then pointed my fingers at them and made “lightning noises”.

So my dad just orders me the first thing on the menu and I go to sit down and stare out the window or some shit and my thoroughly amused dad just looks at me and says “how ya feelin?”. Now at this time I was feeling a lot of things, but most noticeable to me was the gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say “there’s these fuckin… tiny sheep in my head” which at the time was the best way I had to convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of emotion that gift made me feel (I still have them).

Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home and I explained this programming project I was working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow and then I came home and went on facebook and posted a comment on my friends status (because I couldn’t find the status update bar) that read: “i just took a lort of painkillers and yelled at everyone in a jambo juice”

It’s coming up on a year now since I got my current job as a pizza delivery girl, and I thought this would be a good time to delve into the little ever-expanding “WTFPIZZA” note I keep on my cell that helps me remember some of my more, uh - interesting deliveries.

So without further ado and in no particular order, here’s some pizza customers who left a lasting impression on me thus far:

- A bearded man who answered the door and periodically spat blood into a crusted Harley-Davidson coffee mug while counting out his cash.

- A woman who slipped me a business card (in lieu of tip) for a laser tattoo removal clinic, explaining “In case you want to bring your mutilated skin back to how God intended it to be.”

- At least three Batmans so far, but only one who did the voice.

- An elderly Spanish woman who meekly presented me with a (rather classy) pearl-handled .32 snub nosed revolver and asked if I knew how to load it (I do) and also, if I could load it for her (I didn’t).

- A group of EMT’s hanging out in the back of an ambulance at a recently extinguished (but still smouldering) house fire.

- A man with a thick Alabama accent who admonished me for standing in front of his mailbox while I waited for him to answer the door.  He then explained how this was a federal offense because I was “obstructing the mail system” and demanded my social security number so he could “report me to the proper authorities”.

- A group of young teenage girls (like 14-16) who begged me to buy a case of Bud Light (ew why) and bring it back to them.

- A hotel room full of badass middle-aged women all dressed as Professor McGonagall from the Harry Potter films, who were also completely wasted on Jello shots.  They kept encouraging me to stay and party with them.

- A 20-something dude who answered the door with an unsheathed katana dangling through a belt loop on his jeans.

- Multiple instances of people asking if I would sell them pot. (bitch get your own dealer sheesh)

- A guy who slipped a twenty directly into my shirt because I apparently was the “spitting image” of his deceased daughter.

- A woman who admonished me for driving a Mazda, and wrote “get a real car” in the tip portion of my credit receipt.

- A very drunk dude who gave me his iPhone and had me take a bunch of Myspace-esque pictures of the both of us.  He did the duck lips thing in every shot.

- Multiple prank deliveries (joke’s on you motherfucker, I get paid for the gas AND I eat the pizzas you ordered)

- An elderly man who wrote “FUCK OFF” as his signature on a credit receipt.

- A thirty-something guy who begged to get his order for free because he “works so hard”.  He visibly teared up and sniffled when I told him I couldn’t do anything.

- A dudebro wearing a bath robe and socks + sandals (indoors) who straight up wordlessly yanked the pizzas out of my hands without paying and shut the door.  Multiple knockings were of no avail.

- A woman who angrily demanded to see my ID because she refused to believe my claims that I’m female.  She proceeded to snatch my driver’s license out of my hand, run back into her house and show it to her children while pointing back at me.

- A kid no older than 14 who desperately tried to convince me to play WoW on the free custom server he was playing on. (But it has double XP!)

- A guy who spent the entire time I was there digging a (impressively large) booger out of his nose.  He proceeded to smear it on, thankfully, HIS copy of the receipt.

- An on-duty cop who flagged me down by intercepting me on the road before I got to the police station and pulling me over to get his pizza.

- A drill instructor looking-guy who filled out his entire credit card receipt, specifically wrote “0.00” in the tip portion, then proceeded to write out a check for seventy-eight cents and handed it to me.  It said “pizza tip” in the “For” section.

- A furious lady who yelled at me for a solid five minutes (I kept track) all about how long it took for her delivery to get to her.  She then tipped me an extra ten bucks on a six dollar order.  I dunno.

- An incredibly stoned teenager trying and failing to look sober.  When I complimented his Adventure Time wallet (which was super cute) and asked where he got it, he immediately looked terrified, sat down on the floor and muttered “I… I don’t know….”

- Obligatory naked man with unimpressive penis

- A chick at a house party who answered the door and immediately turned to vomit into her mailbox.

- A surly Korean mom with an amazing shoulder tattoo of a baby giving birth to a full-grown woman.

- A man who lived in one of those mini-mansions inside a gated community, who sported a seemingly massive collection of what appeared to be solid glass spheres of varying size and color.  I only got a quick glance in his house but there had to be hundreds of them in display racks, tables, shelves - everywhere.

- A group of 20-something guys who challenged me to sing the original Pokemon theme song, which I did.  And perfectly, I may add.

- A completely iced-out musclebound gangster kid who was blaring Regina Spektor so loud and with so much bass I actually couldn’t hear anything he was saying.

- An elderly guy who deadpan asked me if I knew anyone who could score him hollowpoint bullets.

- An adorable older lesbian couple who were mortified that they didn’t have any extra money for a tip, so they gave me a big sack of pistachios instead.  It took me three weeks to finish the bag.

this was so worth reading

I hate to make posts like this, and I hate to sound desperate, but the truth is that I am desperate.

I am currently living with two drug addicts (my parents) who are very abusive towards me. I have dealt with this abuse for the last 15 years of my life. Last night, my parents and I had a massive fight and I was kicked out of the house. I am currently back in the house to gather up my stuff and pack, but after tonight I am being forced to leave.

The thing is, I have nowhere to leave to. My friend said I could stay at his house for maybe three days, but that’s it, and after that I’m on my own. I have absolutely no money to stay anywhere, even a cheap motel. I’ll probably be staying in a homeless shelter until I can find another job (which, around here, has proven to be extremely difficult, as pathetic as that may sound to some of you).

What I need is a place to stay until I can get back on my feet. If there is anyone in the Ventura County, California (or even remotely close to it) area who is willing to let me stay with them for a short amount of time (I’d be willing to clean, help around the house as much as I could, walk your dogs, babysit, literally anything), I would be eternally grateful.

I completely understand if this is a rude and terrible thing to ask. I feel like a pathetic loser asking in the first place, and I’m so sorry.

But, to anyone who can help me, thank you. And if you can’t, thank you anyway, because you took the time to read this

If you could reblog this to spread the word, it’d mean a lot to me.

Thank you so much.